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29 March 2010 @ 11:45 am
i think maybe some people are naturally more proactive, while others tend to be more reactive. society seems to encourage proactivity; that is, the will to do whatever we think we should be doing, even to the point that it almost goes without saying that doing anything is better than doing nothing. i don't know, though. maybe that goes right to what can go wrong with thinking too proactively. it's prone to being in spite of what's really going on. to focus on what we want, or think should be, complexities of reality be damned.

otoh, to be too reactive can mean focusing on circumstances so much, whatever we really want be damned, leading to internal strife, and a rather depressing downward spiral...seems i tend to be much more the latter, than the former.

but i wonder, maybe society is wrong. maybe there's merit to both ways of being, just as there are pitfalls. maybe regardless, we are who we are, and need to learn to deal with who we are in ways that doesn't cause all sorts of strife, internal or external. course, i'm being reactive here. a more proactive sort might say something more to the effect of screw that, one needs to just take control of their life, rather than be a little bitch about it. i'm thinking that to really do anything like that, one need to be realistic about it, though. we need to be able to take stock, and know what we're dealing with, or it's not likely to go all that well.

i feel like my life has been so much about waiting for opportunities, yet constantly dragging myself across the coals of self-flaggelation for not going out and making my own opportunities. where does waiting get anyone, really? i have to wonder, where we really think we're going, though. maybe, given the reality of my situation, waiting has always been what's worked best. as long as i'm clear headed enough to take an opportunity when it's presented, which is much less likely to be the case if i spend all my energy beating on myself for being who i am.
got back home thursday night, after a week in pittsfield. my grandfather passed away, and it was worth all the scrabbling i had to do to make it there for the funeral service. i don't really understand the way that side of the family does things, seemed tacky as all hell, but i tried not to think about it that way.

i briefly thought about going up there when people were saying their little pieces, and talking about the times he and i went hiking together, just the two of us, just a few years ago. just before the parkinsons hit, and his incredibly good health went careening downhill. our relationship was a little different, in that neither of us spoke much as we walked, but i felt like we connected on a different sort of level than most of the family. i suspect that he might have been the corner of the family where i get some of my less social tendencies, and that silence we shared worked just fine.

i just wish i'd been able to go with him more than i did, but even at the time, i knew i would. funny thing about the regrets like that, like most anything i wish i'd done differently - i don't know if you can really call them regrets, when i always see them coming, and just don't know what to do about it. really, i'll miss him just the same, regardless.
24 February 2010 @ 09:39 am
next step, sorting out my finances to make sure I could afford to fly this weekend, I noticed my account was about a thousand dollars short. Didn't take long to see two pending transfers that weren't mine. I'm lucky to catch it so quickly, but goddammit.

Sorted it all out at the bank yesterday, but not sure how long it will be until my account is all settled, and fully at my disposal to use, for things like, say, buying a plane ticket. Had to use Jenny's account, but we're juggling a few big expenses at once all of the sudden, and the timing on this is just bad.

I'm just hoping I'll have my account at my disposal, by the beginning of next month, when I'll need to pay the rent, via online check, from out of town.
22 February 2010 @ 02:18 pm
I've been trying to get my act together to take a flight out to Pittsfield this weekend for a funeral, service, whatever, so I had to get my ID renewed, since they may require it at the airport. Went down to the DMV this morning, and pretty clearly stated that I just wanted to renew my ID, but halfway through to process, I'm handed a multiple choice test.

Wait, what?

She looked at me like I was an idiot, and told me again that I just had fill it out.

So, ok, sure, why not. Worst comes to worst, I waste $30 and have to apply for my NON-DRIVER ID again. I fill out the test, started sweating a little when I realized I didn't know a number of the answers.. but I managed to pass it anyhow. Next thing I know, they take my picture and hand my a shiny new drivers license.

Haha, ok, guess maybe I'll practice driving one of these days, in case I ever want to do any driving. Probably a good thing to have, just in case. But in the meantime, I have my ID.
03 February 2010 @ 08:30 am
here i am. treading water, just trying to stay afloat. tired. never made it back to the gym. once i went off-track, i just couldn't seem to find the motivation. and i tried, i really did. still paying for it, though. fucking year-long contract. i didn't even blink at the time i signed it, because i never had trouble getting to tsd regularly.

i feel like i'm at a point in my life where i have to accept that this is who i am. i am not a motivated person. not ambitious. not focused. it isn't entirely who i want to be, but such is life. i let this river carry me where it will, and lately, that's not very far.

no matter what we think we're doing, i think we're all just trying to be who we are.
16 November 2009 @ 06:47 pm
this past month has had its ups and downs. on the upside, jenny's taken an interest in an online game I've been playing, so we've been playing together a lot. I play a cleric, and do my best to keep her alive, while she plays a sorcerer, blasting the crap out of everything. Last night, we even ventured into enemy territory, for some Player-vs-Player mayhem. Playing with her certainly brings some much needed new life to the MMORPG experience.

The downside being that this genre tends to suck the life out of a person, if you let it really hook you. I haven't been making it to the gym at all. Started out as just this one week where I was pretty sick, but then I never quite managed to get back on track with it. I've had more trouble than I used to staying on track, though. It was so much easier to stay focused, when I was lonely and frustrated, and just wanted to get out of my apartment and pound on something, anyhow.

Plus, I miss HRD. While there are pros and cons to both places, overall, I felt HRD was more fun. That made it a lot easier to drag myself there. Not to make excuses though, I do plan on getting back to the gym tomorrow..
In the background: Aion
22 September 2009 @ 09:31 pm
class still going well, i'm getting there almost as regularly as i'd like. about two days a week, when i want to be aiming for three. it's just such a hurdle to get out the door every time, but then i always feel good about it when i get back.

sometimes i dread partnering up, never knowing who it'll be. not seeing the same familiar faces every time. some familiar faces, kinda, but not all that familiar yet. i can't even remember any of their names yet, and there are so many, i end up partnered with someone different every single time. then i dread looking bad, dripping sweat and flailing, five minutes into the warm-ups. it's nice when we work on stuff i'm already good at, so that i won't feel so inept, but i know that's a terrible way of looking at it.

i was focusing on the grappling classes for a while, but now that my knees are begging me to stop grinding them into the mat so much, i'm going to try getting to the muay thai class again. ideally about half and half. it's great having so many choices, but at the same time, i miss having more structure, too. it's like going to elementary school, and being able to choose to take only math classes. there's something to be said for being pushed to be more well-rounded than that.
17 September 2009 @ 12:35 pm
it's been great finally being able to cook for someone other than myself, but we have this problem. even being in a big city, with all sorts of things within a block or two away, the nearest supermarket is still no closer than it was in minneapolis - which was no closer than the nearest supermarket was in pittsfield. its actually more difficult here in chicago, because i can't ride a bike around as easily - i don't know how people can stand riding bikes at all in a city this crowded.

it's ok for shopping occasionally, but i find myself in need of fresh vegetables on a very regular basis, if i want to do frequent cooking, rather than heating up instant dinners or ordering out all the time. we've tried peapod.com, but they're kind of expensive, and lacking selection, and i'm never crazy about other people picking out my produce for me - some of it has been questionable, and gone bad even more quickly than it should. maybe most of all, like lugging bags of groceries around, it's ok occasionally, but more problematic to do as often as i'd need to not to run out of supplies.

why is food always so complicated? despite how much better things are, it still seems like the kitchen is empty more often than not. even enjoying to cook as much as i do, it still manages to be a pain in the ass.
03 September 2009 @ 08:46 pm
don't think i've felt this worn out since limping home after fighting fit over a year ago. seems like it took me a few weeks just to get back to the level of fitness where i was even capable of getting this exhausted, but i do seem to be making progress.

my ribs still hurt, but i'm trying not to worry so much. even the feeling in my pinky returned eventually. i may heal slowly, but i do heal.
31 August 2009 @ 09:31 pm
what is the impulse to share our experiences, this modern phenomenon of blogging, profiles, and twitter updates. surely the manifestation of an impulse that's always been a part of the human experience, but evolving along a branch that is both more and less social than ever before.

why do i feel so ambivalent about it? i used to post to message boards a lot, before i had a livejournal. for me, the impulse to share in this way has always been, but as i get older, i do less and less of it. it is, i think, for the most part, just discouraging.

i kept a private journal as a kid, and sporadically jotted things down as i got older, but generally, i think it's more of an exchange that i'm interested in than to just babble about myself. it's just so rarely worked out that way. i even find myself considering who might be reading what i post, and trying to stay relevant and accessible, or something of that nature, but that doesn't go so well either, and i end up with lots of posts that just bore even me.

i don't even know what i want. sure, there's some ego stroking involved, wanting to scrape together the bits and pieces in a way that will make me look cool - that is, interesting, or witty, or whatever it is that might achieve that sort of positive result - but there's also the uniquely human element of wanting to see ideas built upon eachother, in some sort of cooperatively constructive way.

while back i was watching a show about chimps and language and social evolution, and how it is that sort of exchange that sets us apart. i dare say, it doesn't set all of us apart, but at least some of us. the impulse to go beyond simply socializing, as many animals do, into a dynamic that breeds innovation via learning from each other.

for me though, i think something gets mangled along the way, as i seem to end up just talking to myself so very often. which just seems somehow less constructive.